Random tales of the cullens
by Obsessive Vampire Stalker
Summary: How does chocolate chip cookies and forks new church help bella What do the volturi do in their spare time and why is Emmett in a can castle?
1. Attempt one

One day the cullens plus Bella where watching the movie Dracula, when it came to Bella's mind that she still wasn't a vampire and it was really annoying her.

Mostly because she wanted to be as strong, fast, and as beautiful as her super-mega hot, talented, handsome boyfriend/fiancée Edward Cullen **(drool).**

Anyway so she decided to come up with a awesome plan to make them turn her into a vampire.

After much deliberation she decided that she had to damn her soul to the bottomless flaming pits of Hades, for Edward to change her.

So she decided she was going to kill someone, but not just anyone, she was going to kill…

**(A/N Now at this point I was going to stop for some reason but I'm just to nice to do that so, on with the story…)**

…Jacob black! So she decided that next time that Edward goes "camping" she would go to la push and kill him.

Coincidently Edward had to go hunting the very next day, so Bella was happy. Bella was soon on her way to La Push with a basket full of triple white choc chip cookies covered with melted chocolate **(A/N OMC yum I love cookies)**, because she decided that Jacob should have a nice last meal.

Just to Bella's luck the whole pack was at Jacob's house, so she had to give the triple white choc chip cookies covered with melted chocolate cookies to all of them.

Unfortunately after all the cookies where eaten the pack discovered that because they were part dog they were allergic to chocolate.

So with out even meaning it, much, she killed all the La Push werewolves. This saved her much time, and mess with her chain saw.

When she got back to the Cullens house, everyone was happy that Bella had 'accidentally' killed all the werewolves and thought they were better off without them.

But Edward still wouldn't change her, because he didn't think killing a buch of werewolves could damn your soul. So Bella was sad, and had to come up with another plan to get Edward to change her.

…_Coming up in chapters to come, what the volturi do in their spare time and Bella's second plan to get changed…_

**So how did you like it? Please please review or you won't get anymore chapters. So press la limacon de mer (periwinkle) the button and REVIEW**

**trueVaMpIrE **


	2. The Volturi

_Washington, forks_

"Hey Carlisle" said Bella one day

"Yes Bella, what would you like?" he replied

"What do the Volturi do with their spare time, I mean they cant just sit around on their thrones all day with out getting bored, can they?" asked Bella

"Now Bella, we all know that the volturi are very boring people with absolutely no personal life at all" said Carlisle on a matter of face tone

"Oh ok, thanks" replied Bella, then she merrily skipped off to go find Edward.

_Meanwhile in Volterra_

"Are they gone yet?" asked Marcus in a hushed tone

"I think so," answered Caius

"Well thank gosh for that, well I'm out of here," said Marcus over his shoulder sat he started to walk of.

"Wait, do you know where Aro is?"

_Somewhere in a secret room that only Aro knows about. _

"My one true love I'm back from work" shouted Aro into an all but empty room "gosh work was so boring today" he said as he walked over to a cardboard cut out of Carlisle, rapping his arms around it's waist and started to make out with it.

_Meanwhile, somewhere else (Marcus pov)_

So now I have spare time, oh what do I do? Oh what to do? Oh yes I know, I'll go visit Jane, I always love our little get togethers especially when we have the tea parties. Oh and those little bears she have their just so adorable.

_Washington, forks_

"So Edward I talked to Carlisle and he said that the volturi have absolutely no life at all, so I guess you were right, I'm so sorry I ever doubted you"

**so how did you all like it, please review and you'l get the next chapter in a couple of days**

**trueVaMpIrE**


	3. Attempt 2

Bella pov

Today was to be a regular boring day, everything was to be boring and I had school. So I decided that today was the perfect day to launch my second plan to make Edward turn me into a vampire.

I had been going thought this plan for a week now and had decided that it was flawless, and that I would put it to action.

Jessica pov (don't ask why I put it in her pov)

I never though it could be real but it was and it was tonight! Oh how I wish it was now, I can't wait that long.

I, Jessica had been put in charge of handing out fliers, because it was like the most important job.

So far I had handed out over 1000 fliers already, im not sure how though, considering there is only like 500 people at the school and half of them were boy.

But oh well the more that come, the better.

Bella pov

I was so exited on just a few minutes my creation will come to life (evil laugh).

I had rented out the whole gym for it just in case, I wasn't sure how many people would be coming.

I stood in front of the gym door, I could hear people chatting inside and it sounded like a lot of people.

I dramatically entered the room and stood at the podium that I had set up then started my speech

"Welcome one and all to the first church of Edward Cullen!!!"

Edward pov

All day I had been hearing the weirdest things form everyone's minds, they where all thinking about some few 'fantastic' church that had just moved to forks.

I couldn't here the name of the church but im sure that it would be about some lame ass god that was 'all powerful' and junk like that.

In fact it more than likely is some cult that worshiped so stupid, ugly, unintelligent loser that isn't even special at all. Come on what would make this church any better than all the others?

Bella pov

I looked around the room, it seemed that all the girls in the school, except Angela, Alice, and Rosalie where here.

And to my surprise, Mike Newton was here as well and he was wearing an 'I love Edward' t-shirt with a picture of Edward on it.

I took a deep breath and continued on with my speech

"We are here today in the church of Edward to discuss the most important thing in the whole world…EDWARD CULLEN!!!" I shouted the last part. Everyone in the room started to stand up and cheer. I smiled to my self, everything was going to plan MWAHAHAH, wait did I just do an evil laugh…Na of cause I didn't.

_...To be continued..._

_Ok I've decided that this is going to be a two part story, so if I get 10 reviews, I'll put the next part/chapter up Tuesday, if not your going to have to wait a couple of days for the next chapter. Thanks for reading _

_trueVaMpIrE_


	4. Shopping with emmett part I

I sat at the kitchen table staring at Emmett in disbelief, being Emmett he had decided that he would try and see how long he could hold his breath for; that was an hour ago. I sighed and stood up to get something to eat, Emmett got up too and followed me.

Every time he did that it got even scarier.

Edward had gone hunting for the weekend and had decided that Emmett had to baby-sit me because he was paranoid that I would come up with another plot to damn my soul or that I would get hurt trying to.

I continued to search the kitchen until I came to the conclusion that there was no decent food in the house, so we would have to go food shopping.

I stared over at Emmett, who was holding an apple trying to find out what it was used for. I sighed again and shook my head, then went to find the car keys. After I found them I headed out to the car with Emmett quickly following me.

We soon arrived at Thriftway

"Bella why are we here?" asked Emmett, in a curious tone.

I sighed then started to explain. "Well I had no decent food at home so I decided that we needed to go food shopping"

"Really" said Emmett, he actually sounded exited "I haven't been food shopping before, Esme wouldn't let me go with her for some reason" I smiled as he mentioned Esme, I hadn't see her in so long.

We entered Thriftway and I grabbed a trolley, then I went about grabbing things that I needed of the shelves.

I had been shopping for a few minutes when I realized that I hadn't seen Emmett since I entered the shop, so I started to search the shop for him.

I had looked down most of the isles, until I found castle made out of cans in the middle of the canned goods isle. I started to run towards it hoping it wasn't what I thought it was. I was a couple of metres closer when I heard someone shout out from the inside of the castle

"Halt! Who goes there?" I sighed and took a step forward.

"Stop don't come any closer, or I'll get re-enforcements and attack! Now who are you?"

"Um Emmett, its Bella. What are…"

"Don't say another word, I ask the questions around here", I looked around to see a small group of people had gathered around to see what was going on.

"Ok Bella, or if that's even your real name. What is your purpose here?" Ok this was really starting to get on my nerves now.

"Emmett, you know what I'm doing here because you came with me, now get out of the can castle right now because I don't want to be kicked out of the shop before I finish my shopping".

"Sorry, no can do ma'am, if I leave the castle it'll get attacked and I can't let that happen miss."

Oh I am so going to kill him again if he doesn't get out soon!

"Emmett you are going to get out of this castle right now and clean it up. And it better be done by the time I'm finished my shopping" I said, trying to sound as stern as possible. Then I turned around and went back to my shopping, leaving Emmett mumbling

"Sure, sure Bella. Whatever you say Bella"

_Twenty minutes later_

I had just got the last thing I needed, so I headed back to the can goods isle to find Emmett. When I turned into the isle I was shocked to find that the castle had tripled in size.

"Emmett get out of the castle this second" I shouted

"I shall never surrender" shouted Emmett back

"Yeah now leave us petty human or we shall attack you".

Wait that wasn't Emmett shouting back, I know that voice but from where? It was so familiar, then I realized who it came from.

"Jasper, what are you doing here?"

"Quick she's not leaving, we'll have to defend the castle before she attacks us!"

Wait was Alice in there as well? I was just about to ask how many people or vampires were in there when I was attacked by a lot of flying objects, which I soon found out was skittles, M&M's and amazingly a watermelon!

I screamed and ran away, that's when I vowed that this wasn't the end of this.

…to be continued…

_shopping with Emmett is going to be a two part story, so I'll update ASAP. Hoped you all enjoyed it, please please review._

_trueVaMpIrE_


	5. Shopping with Emmett part II

Previously**…**_I screamed and ran away, that's when I vowed that this wasn't the end of this_.

…_to be continued…now…_

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Bella pov

I was a couple of isles away when I stopped running, I sat down on the floor trying to catch my breath. I was thinking about how I would get Emmett out, when I realized a couple of things.

The first was, when in the world did jasper and Alice get here, I thought they were supposed to be out hunting with everyone else.

The next thing was if they where here, then was Edward back as well?

And the last thing was why hadn't anyone stopped Emmett from building a giant castle in the middle of Thriftway, where was the people that were working here I haven't seen any since I got here. I decided that I couldn't fight Emmett alone, I needed help.

I ran outside Thriftway to the payphone and rang Edward. I was about to hang-up when Edward answered

"Hello"

"Edward, where are you?"

"Bella? Where are you calling from? Do you need help? Who hurt you? Where's Emmett?"

"Edward calm down, I'm calling from a payphone outside Thriftway, yes I need you help, no one has hurt me." Yet, I thought "and Emmett is the reason I'm calling" I heard him sigh in relief, then the line went silent for a few seconds

"Wait" he sounded a bit panicky "you went to Thriftway with Emmett"

"Well yeah, what's wrong with that? I had to go food shopping." I said getting a bit scared of what I could have gotten myself into.

"Last time Emmett went food shopping with esme…" the line went silent for a few seconds before I heard Edward shouting

"Give that back…"

"No Emmett said..."

"I don't care what…" the line went quiet for a second before I heard someone pick up the phone

"Hello Bella." Said a calm female voice

"Um…hey Rosalie, what happened to Edward?" I asked nervously

"Edward got a little preoccupied."

"Ok you know your sounding a tiny bit scary right now." She laughed

"Ok you have to listen to what I'm about to say"

"Sure I guess"

"I'm serious Bella you have to believe me this is more serious than you think it is."

"What is more serious than I think it is?" I asked getting a little confused

"That's not important right now. Listen to me very carefully. It's all Edward fault."

"What! What's that supposed to mean?"

"It was Edwards fault Emmett built the castle in Thriftway."

"Hey that's not very nice, it was my fault that I went to Thriftway with Emmett."

"No it's Edwards's fault he told Emmett to. It was all Edward idea." She sounded like she was getting annoyed

"So you're telling me that Edward is like the evil mastermind behind all this." I said in disbelief

"Yep pretty much your boyfriend isn't as innocent as he says he is." I was to shocked to say anything for a while

"So what am I supposed to do to stop them?" I asked

"Well first thing Alice isn't even in the castle, she's with me holding Edward back so I can talk to you."

"But I heard he voice in the castle." I said

"Yeh that's a recording from last time they did it."

"And how did you stop it last time?"

"All you have to do is…" she stopped for dramatic effect, or so I thought. I few seconds later I heard a different voice on the line

"This call time had expired, if you want to continue this call please insert the correct amount of money. Thank you." I shoved my hands into my pocket trying to find my wallet but it wasn't there.

Crap, I thought as I remembered it was sitting in my bag which I had left in the trolley in the middle of the shops. I slammed the phone back onto the receiver and began to walk towards the shops, but a familiar car parked near by me.

I ran over to the car and the guy in the car got out and walked over to greet me

"Oh thank gosh Jake, you have to help me I'm desperate."

"Slow down bells what's wrong?" he said with a half smile

"Well it all started when…" I went through and told him everything that happened today "…and that's when I saw you." I finished. All Jacob did was nod his head with a straight face.

After much discussion we had come up with a fool proof plan to get Emmett, jasper and anyone else who was in there out of the shop.

We walked into the shop and straight up to the isle where the can castle was, we soon found that it had yet again gotten bigger and took up almost all the isle. Jacob cleared his throat to get Emmett's attention

"I have Bella and I'm going to take her to LaPush as our hostage, unless you come out of the castle and surrender." He shouted

"We shall never surrender to your threats; we have strict orders not to negotiate with hostage threats." He shouted back

"Yeh well form what I hear Edward might get a bit angry if Bella was hurt." Jacob shouted back.

As Jacob continued to distract Emmett I slowly snuck up to the castle, when I got close enough I started to look for a weakness.

After looking at it for a long time I realize that it was a can castle and it would fall over extremely easily. I decided I walked make it collapse the fun way.

I reached down to one of the original cans that was sitting on the ground, I carefully pulled it out from under the other cans, amazingly nothing happened.

I went to the next can it was a large can that was supporting many other cans, I laughed then pulled it from the castle. This time it started to wobble but it didn't fall over like I hoped it would. A couple more cans later and I was positive that I had found the can that would make the whole castle fall over.

I reached over and roughly pulled it out, then flattened myself against the shelves so I wouldn't get squashed.

I expected the whole thing to collapse but nothing happened, I frowned suddenly getting angry. 'Screw this' I thought before I ran into the castle pushing al the cans over, making a loud rumbling sound like a stamped of elephants, as the cans fell over.

When all the cans had finished falling, I walked through the sea of cans, to where the middle of the castle once was. Sitting in the middle was Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie and Edward on the floor playing cards

"So hunting, ha! On my side, ha! Me getting in to trouble my ass." I shouted at them but mainly at Edward and Rosalie. "Oh when I ell Esme what just happened you are in so much trouble." I turned on my heels and stomped away grabbing jakes arm

"You're coming with me aren't you?" I said gritting my teeth to stop me from shouting. I'm guessing that Jake sensed my anger

"Sure, I only had to get Billy some things but he can wait." He said with a laugh as I stomped off to my car, leaving very shocked Cullens in the middle of Thriftway surrounded by cans.

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_Yay, I could be bothered to get off my lazy ass and write the next part of this story, aren't you so proud of me. All you have to do now is review ,to make me happy. Thanks_

_trueVaMpIrE_


	6. What If

_Holla...so for this one I decided to show you all what would happen if I ever met Edward Cullen. I originally wrote it for an English class, we had to write a dialoge between a character from a book and myself. Yay so I really want to know what you people think of it, if you all like it enought I will write more of these. See you XD_

Me: (AUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH (gasp for air) SQUEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL OMFG ITS EDWARD CULLEN!!

_**Edward**_: ummmm…hi?

Me: OMFG I AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN, WILL YOU DIVORCE BELLA AND MARRY ME. BECAUSE YOU KNOW THAT WE BELONG TOGETHER FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER...ANYWAY WE ALL KNEW BELLA WAS JUST A DISTRACTION

_**Edward**_: that's not a very nice thing to say about Bella

Me: (sulking) well it's true, you said so

_**Edward**_**: **(gurrrrrr)

Me: (squeal) OMG you just growled at me, hey everyone look Edward _freaking_ Cullen just growled at me

_**Edward**_: will you stop squealing you're making people suspicious

Me: sorry Edward will you ever forgive me?

_**Edward**_: um yeah I guess…

Me: thankyou thankyou thankyou

_**Edward**_: hey aren't you supposed to be doing homework

Me: well not really, this is kind of home work

_**Edward**_: how is talking to me homework?

Me: well I'm supposed to write a dialogue between me and the main character of a book

_**Edward**_: then shouldn't you be talking to Bella then?

Me: well where's the fun in that? Anyway I wanted to talk to you (pouting)

_**Edward**_: fine be that way, but I'm telling Bella about this

_Me_: fine

_**Edward:**_ fine

Me: …

_**Edward:**_ …

Me: (squeal)

_**Edward:**_ What was that all about?

Me**:** well I just realised that I was talking to you, THE Edward Anthony Mason Cullen. You know how many Twilighters would kill for this opportunity

_**Edward:**_A lot?

Me: damn right

_**Edward:**_You want to know a secret Kelsey

Me: like hell yeh

_**Edward:**_You're really starting to scare me

Me: really you want to know a secret Edward…I really scare my self

_**Edward:**_ Really I wouldn't have guessed (Pinches Bridge of nose)

Me: hey Eddie…

_**Edward:**_ Don't call me that

Me: sorry Edward…anyway before I was interrupted by your perfect music-like voice, I was going to ask you something

_**Edward:**_ (roles eyes) what do you want to know

Me: well I have three questions the first is, Can you read my mind?

_**Edward:**_Well obviously I cant your wearing aluminium foil on your head, everyone knows that you can't read someone's mind if they have aluminium foil on their head

Me: oh… my second question is why are you putting up with me, you could have ran away from me at any time, Why haven't you?

_**Edward:**_Well that's obvious I don't want you to fail this assignment just because I didn't want to talk to you

Me: really? That's so cool! Ok and my last question is…Will you bite me?

_**Edward:**_ Um…let me think about that for a second…NO! Now if you please excuse me I actually don't want to fail this subject, so how about you leave my class and go back to where ever the heck you came from

Me: awwwww do I have to

_**Edward:**_ Yes I would greatly appreciate it

Me: I will only listen to you this one time because you are Edward and I love you so much, so I will bid you fare well Edward Cullen I dearly hope I will see you again soon

_**Edward:**_ Um…yeh see you


	7. Meet Alice

_So I decided to go and write another one of these because the first one was so fun to write in the first place. I defentally will be writing a few more of them in the coming weeks. So be sure to Review.Thanks_

* * *

Me_**:**_ (walking innocently down the road) SHOE SALE!!

_**Alice**_: pops out of nowhere SHOE SALE!! WHO, WHAT, WHERE…wait a second, who are you?

Me: (laughs) silly Alice you should know who I am

_**Alice**_: wait, what do you mean?

Me:I know your secret

_**Alice**_: Me? A secret? No never

Me:I know you're a V-A-M-P-I-R-E

_**Alice**_: What!

Me: And I know you can see the future

_**Alice**_: What!

Me:And I know you like shopping

_**Alice**_: Wow really, what was your first clue?

Me: evil laugh…(SQUEAL)

_**Alice**_: (SQUEAL)…wait why did you just squeal?

Me: well…I wanted to see if you would also squeal and according to my calculations (pulls out a note book) you did.

_**Alice**_: did you really need the note book to figure out that?

Me: why yes, yes I did.

_**Alice**_: Ok then…

Me: So how well do you know Edward?

_**Alice**_: Extremely well, why do you ask?

Me: What would be the most likely reason for Bella and Edward to break up?

_**Alice**_: why would you ask that, that's a horrid question?

Me: Ok ok, that's a good question, but I'm asking the questions so if you please hold all other questions to the end, thankyou

_**Alice**_: um ok

Me: good, now what was Edward's favourite colour before he met Bella?

_**Alice**_: Green?

Me: OK, and does he really like Bella or does he just pity her for being clumsy?

_**Alice**_: no I'm pretty…

Me: very true Alice you are very pretty

_**Alice**_: …

Me: moving on, does he wear boxers or briefs

_**Alice**_: WHAT! Why would you want to know that?

Me: well if I'm going to win Edwards heart by then next full moon, then I need to know these things

_**Alice**_: why do you need to win his heart by the next full moon?

Me: dun know, I wanted to stick to my schedule

_**Alice**_: your schedule?

Me: oh yeh I have a very busy schedule, see I have to stalk Jacob Black on the 21st, Emmett's scheduled for the 23rd, mine and Edwards wedding is on the 13th next month, OH! And world domination starts next year as well.

_**Alice**_: You really have this all written down?

Me: Yep sure do, here see (shows her note book)

_**Alice**_: wow you're really…obsessive

Me: I prefer to be called enthusiastic

_**Alice**_: sure that's what you think

Me: …

_**Alice**_: …

Me: I LOVE YOU ALICE!

_**Alice**_: WHAT!?

Me: (laughs) not that way, god (rolls eyes). You know you're my favourite …wait…second favourite character in the book!

_**Alice**_: Book? What book?

Me: BOOK! There is no book! I never said anything about a book!(shifty eyes)

_**Alice**_: right so I'm running late for a hair…cutting…appointment so I best be going

Me: Awwwww do you have to, I was having so much fun

_**Alice**_: goodbye…um I never did get you name

Me: for now you can call me Mrs. Edward Cullen (laughs) fair well (disappears)

_**Alice**_: Ok, what the heck just happened?


End file.
